Do you ever wonder?

How even though you only meet someone once, and barely know them, you can still realize there is something there? When you talk on the phone for the few hours a day, and that’s what you look forward to during the day, that in those few sweet moments you can feel your personalities connect. :]

An Autobiography without a Point. (unfinished)

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By: James Paine

This is the story of a boy. Well I guess he is more of a man now. He has grown up over the past 19 years of his life and has had the misfortune to experience many different things. Misfortune you ask? Yes, for this boy had bad luck all around. Life deemed it necessary to make this boy dislike the very fact he was alive, in fact there was a period in the boys life when the fact he was alive was almost taken away from him, but he didn’t have to worry about a bully doing it, or a robber, no his own murderer was himself, but that is neither here nor there. This story takes place a little while before that, oh indeed the boy ended up living many more long years, and even though these years were rough, the boy survived. Many people ask the boy how he has made it through so many hard years and tragedies, well he always answers them the same: “With love, anything can happen. I just wish I had more of it,”

So let’s examine a time in this boy’s life when that seemed to be the case, when there was so much of this “love” thing that he talked about ever so much:

The year was 1989 and a beautiful baby boy had just been born, well not so much on the beautiful part, I’m pretty sure he was born with a full set of buck teeth and a mullet, but this is far too early for our story, let’s skip a few years and a few misguided adventures and go straight to high school. The year had to have been somewhere around 2005. The year had been pretty rocky, a few good grades but the rest pretty average, and a girlfriend or two each who had made our poor protagonist the victim of adultery, but did all this faze our poor hero? Nah, he got back up again after a little down time and started right back on what he began to call his “Never ending quest for Love!” Now the boy knew right from the start that a title that referred to it as never ending was probably cursing the thing right from the start but he cared not, for he began to think that love was in no shape or way possible, at least for someone to end up falling in love with him it wasn’t. So anyways, the boy began to open up his heart to many different things, he started talking to a lot of new people and branching out from his normal group of friends and surroundings. This proved to be a extremely well met gesture as after a bit of time for everyone to warm up to him, others began to accept him and even enjoy spending time with and hanging out with the boy! It was to him, one of the greatest things he had ever achieved. In all of the branching out into new groups, it was inevitable that he would come across someone who would capture his interest. The boy met a girl who over time began to seem quite attractive to him, so the boy took the plunge and did what any self respecting male would do and asked out the girl. She of course said yes and decided it was going to be amazing. The boy and girl did cute little things together for a few days and hung out when they could, but something happened during all that too, he began to become close to some of the girl’s friends who seemed very nice.

One day the boy’s girlfriend called him and told him that she would be gone for a day or two showing some animals they took care of, to the boy it was a simple thing he didn’t mind as long as maybe he would be able to see her when she got back. Well while she was gone, the boy got a call from some of the girls friend’s who were with her at the animal showing, they decided to inform the boy that the girl had been getting quite heavily involved with another boy at the show, and that if she called and broke up with him the next day or even that night, to not be surprised. Well it did end up turning out exactly as the girl’s friends had explained and the boys girlfriend ended the relationship on grounds of infidelity.

After that whole fiasco went down, the friend’s of the now Ex-Girlfriend now began to talk to the boy on a quite regular basis. As time passed by the boy began to become infatuated with one of the Ex-girl’s friends. Her name shall be Moonflower. Now on of the biggest things that attracted the boy was the fact that Moonflower was no dummy, she had to have been one of the most educated well read girl’s the boy had ever come across. It was the rainy season in Minnesota now and the boy had been pulled in by another girl’s charms. After a little while Moonflower captured the boy and he undoubtedly asked the girl out, and she of course said yes, once again the boy entered a period of bliss, but this time something was different. The girl didn’t use him, mistreat him, or talk about him behind his back, she didn’t even cheat on him. The boy thought this was weird and started to watch himself trust her more and more and he even let some real feelings be produced for the girl. The boy’s rainy season soon turned into a hot sweltering summer and slowly he watched as the leaves turned from green to the colors of cavern walls that are hidden deep from our human eyes. Thus the boy’s summer soon came to an end as the undeniable sign of fall hit him, school was starting, but he could care less for he had a girl who actually liked him and was on his side. As the school season started though, the boy noticed some changes in Moonflower’s behavior, she started to distance herself and become less sociable, with him at least. The inevitable once again hit him, the girl got so far away it seemed as if she wasn’t even there anymore, till one day when her friend came up to him crying and handed him a note from Moonflower, in it were the words the boy knew were coming but still dreaded. It was over, the longest relationship of the boy’s life to that point, was over.

The boy was devastated, he couldn’t understand why, and wanted to fight to keep it alive, wanted to fight to keep something there, so he tried, but ever word that came out of his mouth to the girl ended up starting a fight, not with fists or weapons, but with the pain, anger, and sadness of a broken heart, nothing went through, all the messages of love were scrambled into messages of anger or hurt, nothing was working. The boy gave up, and he was hurt, hurt that he was so weak and hurt from what the girl did to him, he needed to recover though so he tried to stay happy. Everyday the boy went off into his life, and off into the school with a fake smile on his face and fake attempts at being himself, but someone that the boy barely knew saw through this clever rouse. She had talked to the boy once before, only once, and this had been through his now ex-girlfriend, they had been friends. The girl, Starchild, had come up to the boy one day during lunch and asked if he was alright, the boy looked at her confused but told her, “Sure I am fine”, Starchild stared intently back at the boy and called him a lier. Starchild sat down next to the boy and began talking to him, the boy didn’t know how to react. Here there was a pretty girl sitting down next to him who asked how he was feeling and then called him a lier, how was he supposed to approach talking to this girl? The boy had no clue, but all he knew was there was something strangely attractive about this girl, so the boy knew what he had to do, he dove right in. He started asking questions, talking to her, flirting with her and making it extremely obvious he was interested in her. Then one of the strangest things happened, Starchild started doing it back, she flirted just as hard if not harder, she talked to him and she defiantly was asking plenty of questions of her own. Over a little time the boy once again decided to follow the strange feelings that were slowly taking over his thoughts, he asked Starchild out, and once again the boy heard a yes. The following week was bliss, not a single fight, not a single argument just pure laughter and fun. The two ended up spending a lot of time together, making cookies and not letting the dough make it to the pan, making up inside jokes and stories about little mushroom babies and of course cuddling and having a kiss or two here and there, but as they say, all good things must come to an end, and so it did. The Girl broke down and told the boy that she was in no way ready for a relationship after being hurt from her last boyfriend, and then Starchild left the boy’s life, at least until about 11 O’Clock. The boy had gone to bed a bit early and a bit hurt, when his mother came down into his room with a phone explaining to him that she thought something happened to Starchild because she was on the phone crying. The boy listened to the cries and muffled words come from the other end of the phone line, he managed to hear a few select words like: “I made a mistake”, and “Please forgive me” and “take me back”. So our protagonist gladly accepted the request and he went to sleep peacefully. The boy woke up excited for the day and excited to see Starchild, knowing that when he saw her he would be greeted with a warm hug. The boy got to school and found Starchild, and just as he knew he got a warm happy hug, but by the time lunch rolled in, something was wrong, the girl was off by herself crying. The boy couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong so he went to try talking to her. The girl managed to say how much she was sorry, but she still couldn’t do it and had to end it. So in less than 12 hours the boy had been broken up with twice by the same heartache. Starchild remained something special to the boy , but he just wasn’t willing to risk getting hurt again for a third time.

End Part 1

Intermission

Start Part 2:

As time began to pass for the boy, a girl came out of the woodwork, she began to talk with the boy and ask for his advice quite often. The boy was happy to help her out and decided he had found a new friend. This new friendship quickly turned into a relationship for as time went on in the two’s life the girl sunshine told the boy she liked him and wanted to know if they could be something together. The boy was ready to take a chance., so he said yes, this turned out to be a error in the boy’s ways. A few days later it all came crashing down into a spiraling disaster. The boy proved to be far to injured from past relationships, he couldn’t handle and sunshine proved to be far too much trouble for the boy to handle. It had to end. After the relationship ended, sunshine embarked on a quest to let the boy know just how much she disliked him. Sunshine went far out of her way to see how far she could push the boy. The boy was forced into a mix of angry girl and a haggard group of friends forcing slurs and angry words in his general direction. After a few weeks of this the boy couldn’t take it anymore, the very thing that sunshine promised so defend him from, she became herself, sunshine pushed the boy into a corner and from that corner he went through the walls and over the edge. When the boy thought no one would notice he snuck off into a secluded place with rope in mind and rope in hand he pushed himself past crowds of worries and into a low boiler room. The boy took a moment to make sure everything was gonna work and he broke down, in a puddle of tears the boy sat in a chair with dangling vengeance above him, as he prepared himself and redied himself to do the ultimate, sunshine broke his silence, she came into the room in a worried hush yelling. She saw what was about to happen and tried as hard as she could to stop it, whether it would be a guilty conscience or a true remorse, it didn’t matter, because through all the tears, one message was clear, she was sorry and apologized to the boy for everything that had happened. The boy was touched, and right there he felt something he hadn’t felt in quite some time, emotions, something other than a dark ominous impending doom, he felt sadness, he felt happiness, he felt sorry. The boy took the next few weeks as they came, but through them all he did it with a sincere smile, for the boy had been taught a lesson, he realized he was happy, happy to breathe air and happy to dance, and sing, and laugh, and cry, and happy to be alive.

As the happy weeks went on, the boy heard nothing but a singing heart, and apparently that had attracted attention. A few days later starchild came up tot he boy and asked him something peculiar, for the first time in a bit over a month, she wanted to see and spend time with the boy, and so the boy said yes and they made plans together to see a play, a truly romantic occasion. So the night came, the boy and starchild went to the play, and during the play another strange thing happened, starchild kissed the boy. The boy should have seen a red flag and ran, but he was blinded by the moment and thus, he gave in. starchild leaned in and asked the boy what he wanted them to be, and the boy told her,

“I want us to be a couple, i want us to be a good couple”

Starchild agreed and told the boy she was sorry for all the times before and that this time it would be different, if only the boy would give her another chance. The boy said yes and so off they went into a land of blissful enjoyment of each others company.

A few days pass and everything seems alright. Life is good, as far as the eye can see, unfourtantly for the boy, he must have been blind that day, because he couldn’t find starchild anywhere. He searched all mornign and she was no where to be found, so he felt that something had to have been wrong, but he let the thought settle down and he went about his day. Lunch came around and he sat down to enjoy his meal, and right as he began to relax a sentence hit him like a bullet, ripping through his heart once again. Starchild had snuck up behind him and whispered him 4 words once again, “I cant Do this.” The boy was hurt, angry and most of all furious at himself for trusting this girl again. He got up and turned around looking her in the eye and spoke only a few words as he walked away,

“No more will you toy with my heart, I am done with you and your toying with me.” and with that, the boy left the room to go and ponder.

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The boy took the next few months off, not in a literal sense, more so a figurative sense, he shut himself down, and he focused more on dreams and fantasies than actual reality. The boy took the opportunity to get more in tune with his dreams and figure out where he wanted to go in live, although he knew this would be a fruitless venture due to his constantly changing opinions of things. The boy was doing good, and After a few months of not caring about girls, he was feeling better than ever, his heart was healed, for the most part anyway, and he was really starting to feel as if maybe he was a good person. The boy started to notice something, his opinion of women was starting to move in a more pure light, he wasn’t staring off lustfully anymore as much as he was starting to look at girls in more of a respectable opinion. It wasn’t a judgment of who had the best face, best makeup, or who was skinniest, and this couldn’t have come at a better time, because the boy found himself in another moment of love. The boy was one the verge of something great and he couldn’t even see it coming, for the boy had blinded himself against the advances of girls.

Now if i was to go into detail about this next section of the story, this poor narrator would be sitting here for well over a year and a half trying to explain all the amazing moments and days of bliss, love, happiness and pure enjoyment, but we just don’t have that kind of time, so for now, you can listen to the short version.

It was the late fall of 2007 and the boy had found himself milling over life and all of it’s curve balls, when the boy found a new one to add to the list. He sat in class everyday, and admired a girl who sat behind him, he never had a chance, or so he thought, but as it happens in love stories, the boy was dead wrong. The boy was sitting at home one night on his favorite website, myspace, when he received a new friend request, and to his much surprise it was from the one lone girl his heart had picked out of an entire school, it was from Carnation, the angel from the boy’s class. Carnation and the boy began to talk on a quite regular basis, and their conversations always seemed to take quite a large chunk out time out of their nights. Although most of the time it was the boy trying to get some input from carnation, it was still some of the best talks the boy had had with anyone in a very long time. Over a surprisingly short amount of time the boy somehow decided to build up the nerve to ask carnation out, and for another chapter in the boy’s life, the girl said yes. The relationship started out great, late night phone conversations, seeing each other in school everyday and just spending a lot of quality time together. Then came the time for the boy to meet the girls parents, the boy was scared, insecure and most of all, worried he wouldn’t fit in. The girl and the boy got into carnation’s truck, and they drove a short mile and a half to her house. The boy reluctantly got out of the vehicle and walked into the house. Much to his dismay, the girls entire family was there, along with the extended family. Carnation’s aunt greeted the boy at the top of the stairs, the rest of the family waited till he reached the main floor. The boy was shaky and nervous, he would have probably been a lot more shaky if it wasn’t for the fact he was paralyzed with fear at the fact there were about 15 people in a room judging him. The boy managed to convince carnation to sneak away to her room with him so he could relax a little more. While Carnation was showing the boy her house and ultimately her bedroom, Carnation’s uncle had been threatening the boy the entire time. This didn’t help the boy’s state of being. After a few excruciating hours of verbal torture, the boy convinced Carnation to bring him home.

The next few months of their time together were amazing, if heaven was to be put on earth, it would have been those two enjoying it all. The inevitable found it’s way in between the two love birds once again. Fights, arguments, disagreements and conflicts. The once perfect relationship was sullied. Carnation began to question everything the boy did, she began to see only fault in the boy, the boy, try as he might, could not get carnation and himself back onto the right path. Then one day, the boy realized a sad fact, Carnation lost interest in him, her words and promises of love were then, sad untruthful lies, He caught carnation looking at another boy. Carrot was his name, and he was the instigator on the sidelines. He was rain on cracked cement, soaking into every hole he could find, invading the smallest crevice to spread his wicked vile poison. Carrot convinced carnation to go with him and a few friends for a weekend away in a distant land. The boy was worried, but trusted Carnation to stay faithful. Three days later the boy received a teary eyed phone call from Carnation accompanied by a sentence of peril, “ I can’t do this, Something happened this weekend.”

The boy was worried, angry and destroyed, He got a ride to her house and arrived less than five minutes after the phone call ended. He walked into the house, up the stairs, and straight to her room where he found Carnation laying on her bed crying. Carnation explained what had happened and told the boy she didnt want him around anymore, Carrot was better than him. The boy was hurt, he left her house and started running as soon as he hit the end of her drive way. The boy ran down the highway until he came upon a bridge in the distance. Thoughts ran through the child’s head, Should he? Everything that once had mattered to him, the last thing in his life that was right and pure, had been blackened and torn. Why not? The boy stopped himself before he reached the bridge and began to pray, he prayed the entire rest of the time it took him to walk home. The strength he prayed for, had carried him all the way home. He reached his house, walked in, without a word spoken, he walked past everyone in his house and went to his room, with music loud, and screaming high, the boy screamed until his mouth bled, till he couldn’t form words, till the world was a blob of teary eyed grays. The boy passed out.

When the boy awoke, the world was bright, but everything around him was black, the feeling you get when fall is upon you, everything is colorful, but underneath all that color, you know everything is just changed for its death. The boy went on a month like this, nothing could make him smile, inside at least. He wore a masked everyday, a painted smile and long hair to cover his eyes. The world didn’t know a thing he didn’t let it know.

As the boy got home one day he received a message from Carnation, after her long absence, she wanted to apologize and let the boy know she still loved him and wanted to try things out again. The boy like a fool took the bait. After a long period of deliberation between the two, the boy decided trying again would be a good thing. Carnation and the boy were the perfect couple once again. The world seemed bright, the world was happy, and everything seemed to be better than before. Many months went by before anything even seemed real, like a dream the boy couldn’t wake up from. But when the year and a half mark approached trouble erupted, The boy noticed once again that carnation was into an old habit, he tried to help pry her out of it, but she resisted, and pushed, and thrashed, the boy was helpless. Carnation found herself in a new job amongst new people, and once again a new name revealed itself from her tongue, this time his name was Miasma. Miasma Was a name that seemed to stick on Carnation’s tongue, he would randomly be brought up out of no where, and when Carnation spoke the name, her eyes lit up like before. The boy knew what was happening, and had dreaded the moment, Carnation was gonna break the boys heart again, this time more sinister than the previous time. A month went by as Carnation could be found only with Miasma, late night dates, phone talks, and plans broken so that Carnation could spend time with Miasma. The boy was crushed, and brought it up to Carnation. She denied all of it. Then a few days later she showed up to his house, in tears she ripped out the boys heart and threw it to the vultures, a feeding frenzy ensued, all of everything she had denied three days prior, became a grueling reality. The boy once again had been destroyed by a girl with a pretty smile and angelic eyes.

A dream With a plan

So My dream has always been to Film, I would Love to film, I feel it is my call, my duty, my life and my passion.

but As far as last year goes, My entrance into an amazing School for it, was all but destroyed by my parents. See my Dream career isn’t Hard manual labor, so of course, they don’t consider it a real Job.
well So I tried as hard as I could to find a way around that, but to all my effort I came up with a negative result.

So I ended up with a lot of time on my hands to think, and I believe I came up with the right solution. See when I was WAY younger I loved to work on computers. So that became my first dream was a job with computers that I’d like. Well I managed to combine Both of my dreams into one Big grandeur dream.

Since I can’t go to a big college right now to pursue my dream of opening a cinematography and Editing studio, I’m going to do something with computers first. I am going to put myself through college for a Cisco Degree, I took a semester of it in High-school as a PSEO type thing and I liked it for the most part. So I’m goign to do that, then get a mid level cisco job which is average at $69000 A year. Then i will save up and stuff for a few years and put myself through a 4 year BFA for Film-making. Then I am going to go back to THe cisco thing, save up more cash. get a lil house, and start up my Children around here. THen I will take that saved money after about 6 or 8 years and use it to start my Own Business. and thus have my Filming and Editing career.

Sounds like a lot of words now.. but it will be concrete someday.

earlier, than you’ll ever know

So what if i said I want to give up, but what if i told you I can”t, more-so, in all this confusion, I don’t want to, even tho I said I want to, I really don’t, it is like the outside is masking the inside, this worry takes a hold of me, while my heart sits inside me and tries to break down the shell that the worry is forming.

There is so much going on lately, Usually I can just breeze through life, and kinda float on by with a little bit of thought and prayer, but lately even tho I still pray, and float on by, its like these things i pass by are attack me from behind now. Almost as if God isn’t hearing me. But I know he is In my heart, Just, Maybe I need to listen harder..  Turn down the music, and screams and just listen to the wind for his voice, the whispers he sends to us through everyday life, but we refuse to receive.. I think it is that time a year ago, when I need to just go somewhere private and meditate for a few days, somewhere, where the beauty of the world, no, of God’s creation shines through, and let this beauty slap me across the face. Be inspired once more, be faithful once more, truly Know in my heart that God is there, that I am Living my life for him. It is time for me to spread love, and stay spreading love, to show others the loce God shows to me, to continue training myself to live for God. I need to keep on working hard at this.

Another things lately is my Girlfriend, the Girl is amazing, and She makes me heart smile. Thinking about her makes me calm and happy, the girl herself is absolutely beautiful, she is everything I could ever ask for in a girl. But sometimes I wonder whether or not I deserve someone as good as her. But it is times like this that I feel like that, that I realize She is the girl who I Love, Not just as a friend, but this girl HOLDS my heart, I am deeply in love with her, but that makes separation all the harder, no, I don’t mean separated relationship wise, but distance wise, see sooner than I would like, she is heading off to college, and well there is going to be a pretty lengthy distance between where I’ll be and where she’ll be. And well I know this is going to be a Big test of our love, but I Know deep down inside me we are going to take this test and get a 100% on it, but the fact we still have to go through it worries me, not because I doubt us, but because I doubt that this length between us is going to affect us negatively, No I don’t HOPE for negative effects on us, Just it scares me how we are perfect together, Because if something happens to me or her, Then after this how are we going to find someone who measures up to each other. We long for each other sitting at our houses, how much are we going to long for each other when some bigger distances are involved… HAHA The most useless thing i’m worrying about I know, But with all that distance between us, I know it is going to help us grow to love each other even more. well So, I guess it isn’t so much doubt and worry anymore, it is more that I have found the perfect girl for me, and now I can’t get enough of her. And She can’t get enough of me….

So let’s say for a moment Marriage is something that would soon be a probable possibility, then what? We get married, after being engaged for a while, we have our fights and arguments, but the end result of them all? We work things out, and become even more close.  Almost everything in front of us seems to just help us grow closer and stronger together, Now just one last obstacle, God, Now i do not see God as a roadblock, at least anymore, as my G.F. has become a Christian, and she is working strong at it, not as strong as she could be, but how often do we see new Christians working as hard as they can? Most long time Christians don’t even work as hard as they could be toward it, although, obviously we should be, but so Now as she is a Christian and doing it for the betterment of herself and faith and spirit, there is no more un-passable roadblocks in front of us, we may run into something now and then, but if we work together we can clear the road and walk on through, and why do i say that there is no more un-passable roadblocks? Because now we both have found and follow God, God may choose a harder path than someone else, but He is the GREAT almighty God, He can achieve anything, and through him we as a Christian Couple can too, We have God as our friend, our father, our savior!…

So All In All, My worries arn’t really worries, just insecurities I shouldn’t even have to worry about, just little stumps in the road put there by God in order to show me he is still here with me.

A project for the good of my Lord

So I, As James Paine, Have started a new project, Not some half hearted attempt at fame-dom, no, this time it is for nothing other than the fun of Honoring the Lord.

I was sitting in my youth group listening to a wise man tell me of how people should be using their gifts from God to Honor God, but i was dumbfounded, I couldn’t figure out what my gift was, let alone use it for the good of God. Well after a few weeks of listening to this man tell us all of gifts and of me praying, I began to realize a few of mine.  And so as I sat in youth group once again, the topic arose of using our gifts to Honor the Lord. I had been kinda nodding in and out of this topic as I was probably tired and bored, but a few words popped through as I was gazing down upon a magazine I had brought with, “use your gifts for the Good of the Lord, To Honor Him”, And I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t take the normal everyday approach to this, I couldn’t just say “Hi” and be nice to those I normally wasn’t, no, I needed to do some extraordinary, I needed to use a gift God Gave me for the Good Of Him. And Then An Idea popped into my head, and I felt that this was put there by the Holy Spirit. After my youth pastor finished talking I went straight over to him and explained to him I felt I had just had a Calling. He was all for it and had me explain it to the whole group. God Has given me the gift of Film making and video Editing, and up until this moment of revelation, I hadn’t quite used it for the Glory of God, Yeah sure I had made a video for the church before, but it was more of a memento than a out-reaching Video for the Lord. So I created a Partial Plan with my Youth Pastor afterwards and Went home and started work On my Plan on how to do this right away. I feel that I have been called to do some work for the Lord, by Using an Unconventional mean to extend Christianity to Others. I can’t Go into detail about the project as it needs to be kept under-wraps until I get some stuff ready and done. But I can say that the project does aim at a crowd that generally has warped views of what Christianity Really is.

It Has been One week since I took a hold of this idea and turned it into a reality, And I have made a lot of progress, But there is still plenty of work ahead of me. But it feels good to know that God will be with me every step of the way.

Mission: Containment.

Lately, I seem to myself, to be stuck into a spiral of defeat. This spiral Contains losing friends, drama, hate, lies, rumors, and most of all, personal Defeat. Most of this stuff has been handled but this whole personal defeat ordeal has been quite the challenge. It isn’t caused by anyone other than myself. I have been seeking inspiration a lot lately, it it just seems to be eluding me to the point where I want to give up. It isn’t like i haven’t been in this situation before, but Now it just seems all the more close to home. About a month ago i was an inspired genius, now I seem to be dwindling back into the need for inspiration once again. I think one major thing was, I had so many projects going at once and I used all my resources on way too much stuff at one time, it got to the point where I was working on two or three scripts at a time, while doing photo manipulation work, all the while casting, one movie while trying to film and edit another. I know multi-tasking is a big thing these days, but it was just a huge deal where it sucked all my talent out of me and now I am just stuck with a slightly glowing corpse. There is still ideas in me, I just don’t have the energy to pull them out right now, and it is frustrating, it is almost like my creativity went into sleep mode, and it just is driving me crazy.  I kind of feel like a apocalyptic cityscape, like, there is endless opportunities for it if you look at it in the right light, Say you needed a place to hide out or fortify your position in a gun fight, it would be perfect, but i feel like people and a lot of myself are just seeing me in a different light, They don’t see what it could do, or wants to do, they just see the outward appearance, a twisted useless city.

A wasted thought, effort, life.

Okay this is a very old post I had on my other blog, but since this blog gets a lot more attention, I thought I would post it here..Okay, so I do a lot of filming, I mean A LOT, but I just dont feel good about using what I have. The camera I use is not the kind I need to actually film something of worth and decent quality.

The camera I use now is a pretty basic model Sony Digital 8. The Camera is decent, if you want to film like family events, or say a small sporting event, but it in no way, can compare to Canon xl1. I have been trying, for four years now to make money to afford a Canon XL1, My passion is filming, it is my heart and soul, and when I wake up in the morning and know I am going to go out that day and capture footage with my friends…. it is what I live for!

So every so often, I go on to websites like eBay to check out how much the used Canon xl1 and XL1s’ are going for. I know when I enter that site that it is usually a mistake, because I always end up getting so depressed knowing that I will not be able to obtain one of these items I long for. Well, today was one of the worst times I have had looking through all the cameras. I came across a couple Canon XL1’s for just under Two Hundred dollars. Upon looking at the item descriptions, and reading about how the previous owner only needed the camera for one project and then is just selling it on eBay for some chump change to them, it brought me to tears. How is it that some people can just pick and choose what they want in life and not even realize how much they have. A person needed a $3000 camera for ONE project and then they pretty much just throw it away. I don’t get it, and the worse part is, I know I will probably never be able to own one of these beautiful cameras. So, as I was digging through all these auctions for the cameras, I was brought to the verge of tears. Honestly, I just want to get a decent camera like a Canon XL1 and film in peace. I want to be able to go out in the morning, spend all day out in the field, and just be at peace cause I have a camera to be proud of, and to know that I would treat this camera better than half of the other owners.

So, Why is it that people just pick and choose, and then act like they can just throw this stuff away, and then there be people like me, sitting behind a screen looking on at them through tear covered eyes? How do they sleep at night? Do they even know what it is like to strive to gain what they want?

I have a few updates to add, Since this post way back in “the day” I have obtained a new camera due to the fact my Digital 8 had run it’s course and broke. But little to say the only improvement was this camera records in MiniDv, which allows a slightly better quality, than the Digital 8’s 8mm Film. This camera is still not even close to what I need, but the money I used to get this camera was primarily Birthday money.

Fights…

This is going to be kinda short compared to my last two posts but here it goes.

Fights: Fights are ways people tend to resort to when they have a disagreement. THere are two types of fights in my opinion, physical and Verbal. Luckily enough, i have had only a few physical fights, and i don’t ever plan on anymore. I do not liek the concept of them at all, but as for verbal fights, i have more than my share.

Last night, I ended the night with a hearty warm heartfelt fight, with a “friend”.  It was a bad way to end the night, Little to say, he made me feel worth about as much as a penny you see on the ground. This morning I woke up and got the honor of walking intoa fight between my parents. this is one type of fight that can be damaging to even those not involved. See parents haver the uncanny ability to drag EVERYONE in the house into a argument. well little to say, after I watched this for about an hour, my mother left the home, leaving me with my irate stepfather, and no way for him to vent his anger, well Unfourtantly for me, this led to me becoming his punching bag (metaphorically speaking), I became his target for every cuss word, sneer remark, and just plain rudeness and viciously mean tongue. Not a single thing about me was left untouched, his words cut into me, and made me angry with myself, and this world, even more so, they hurt me. I had always told myself I was never going to grow up to be like him, I was not going to grow up like my parents at all, but today, something happened that I Already regret. I got into an argument with my Girlfriend, Now what you need to know, is I love this girl more than the world, I absolutely adore this woman, she is about the only thing to hit me, other than God, that has had a positive and important Powerful effect on me. We have been together for a few months over a year, and it has been a amazingly Wonderful time already and we both plan on it being a very wonderful LIFE together. Now don’t get me wrong, we are not anything like engaged, we still have a few years to wait before we consider actually doing it, but we have grown so close, and so deeply in love, that we both hope, and know we are going to be with each other. We used to argue often, as many do in early stages of a relationship, it is a way for you to work out differences and learn to accept each other. But we have not had a bad argument in quite some time, close to 4 or 5 months. Unfourtantly, tonight ended that streak. There was too much tension and stress in me to keep it bottled up, and tonight I made the wrong choice and took it out on a beautiful girl who didn’t deserve it. I regret it already, Little to say, but we had a very heated fight, both arguing about things that meant a lot to us, but neither of us would give in, and finally instead of resolving the fight in a calm manor, I just had to leave. I know it was the wrong thing to do. I don not say the argument was wrong, cause that is part of working something out, but I ended up using it to take my anger out on her, that was actually caused by other people. and she didn’t deserve that. But so I sat down looking at myself, feeling like the lowest of low, and realized something to my much dismay, I am becoming those who I hated, and told myself i would never grow up to be like, my parents. Now it isn’t their faults, they didn’t force me to fight with her, but, I feel low, and I know how I handled tonight was wrong.That Poor Girl Didn’t deserve what I did, and now we probably are going to have an awkward period of silence between us, and it is my fault, I have become those which I loathed, and now, I am paying for it. I am sorry.

So what is my moral? Well it guess sit was more of a self-revelation,  I have become what i hated, and now I need to find out how to return to being the boy that my angel loved. I need to find my center, and peace of mind again, I have to solve myself before I can solve anything outside myself.