An Autobiography without a Point. (unfinished)

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By: James Paine

This is the story of a boy. Well I guess he is more of a man now. He has grown up over the past 19 years of his life and has had the misfortune to experience many different things. Misfortune you ask? Yes, for this boy had bad luck all around. Life deemed it necessary to make this boy dislike the very fact he was alive, in fact there was a period in the boys life when the fact he was alive was almost taken away from him, but he didn’t have to worry about a bully doing it, or a robber, no his own murderer was himself, but that is neither here nor there. This story takes place a little while before that, oh indeed the boy ended up living many more long years, and even though these years were rough, the boy survived. Many people ask the boy how he has made it through so many hard years and tragedies, well he always answers them the same: “With love, anything can happen. I just wish I had more of it,”

So let’s examine a time in this boy’s life when that seemed to be the case, when there was so much of this “love” thing that he talked about ever so much:

The year was 1989 and a beautiful baby boy had just been born, well not so much on the beautiful part, I’m pretty sure he was born with a full set of buck teeth and a mullet, but this is far too early for our story, let’s skip a few years and a few misguided adventures and go straight to high school. The year had to have been somewhere around 2005. The year had been pretty rocky, a few good grades but the rest pretty average, and a girlfriend or two each who had made our poor protagonist the victim of adultery, but did all this faze our poor hero? Nah, he got back up again after a little down time and started right back on what he began to call his “Never ending quest for Love!” Now the boy knew right from the start that a title that referred to it as never ending was probably cursing the thing right from the start but he cared not, for he began to think that love was in no shape or way possible, at least for someone to end up falling in love with him it wasn’t. So anyways, the boy began to open up his heart to many different things, he started talking to a lot of new people and branching out from his normal group of friends and surroundings. This proved to be a extremely well met gesture as after a bit of time for everyone to warm up to him, others began to accept him and even enjoy spending time with and hanging out with the boy! It was to him, one of the greatest things he had ever achieved. In all of the branching out into new groups, it was inevitable that he would come across someone who would capture his interest. The boy met a girl who over time began to seem quite attractive to him, so the boy took the plunge and did what any self respecting male would do and asked out the girl. She of course said yes and decided it was going to be amazing. The boy and girl did cute little things together for a few days and hung out when they could, but something happened during all that too, he began to become close to some of the girl’s friends who seemed very nice.

One day the boy’s girlfriend called him and told him that she would be gone for a day or two showing some animals they took care of, to the boy it was a simple thing he didn’t mind as long as maybe he would be able to see her when she got back. Well while she was gone, the boy got a call from some of the girls friend’s who were with her at the animal showing, they decided to inform the boy that the girl had been getting quite heavily involved with another boy at the show, and that if she called and broke up with him the next day or even that night, to not be surprised. Well it did end up turning out exactly as the girl’s friends had explained and the boys girlfriend ended the relationship on grounds of infidelity.

After that whole fiasco went down, the friend’s of the now Ex-Girlfriend now began to talk to the boy on a quite regular basis. As time passed by the boy began to become infatuated with one of the Ex-girl’s friends. Her name shall be Moonflower. Now on of the biggest things that attracted the boy was the fact that Moonflower was no dummy, she had to have been one of the most educated well read girl’s the boy had ever come across. It was the rainy season in Minnesota now and the boy had been pulled in by another girl’s charms. After a little while Moonflower captured the boy and he undoubtedly asked the girl out, and she of course said yes, once again the boy entered a period of bliss, but this time something was different. The girl didn’t use him, mistreat him, or talk about him behind his back, she didn’t even cheat on him. The boy thought this was weird and started to watch himself trust her more and more and he even let some real feelings be produced for the girl. The boy’s rainy season soon turned into a hot sweltering summer and slowly he watched as the leaves turned from green to the colors of cavern walls that are hidden deep from our human eyes. Thus the boy’s summer soon came to an end as the undeniable sign of fall hit him, school was starting, but he could care less for he had a girl who actually liked him and was on his side. As the school season started though, the boy noticed some changes in Moonflower’s behavior, she started to distance herself and become less sociable, with him at least. The inevitable once again hit him, the girl got so far away it seemed as if she wasn’t even there anymore, till one day when her friend came up to him crying and handed him a note from Moonflower, in it were the words the boy knew were coming but still dreaded. It was over, the longest relationship of the boy’s life to that point, was over.

The boy was devastated, he couldn’t understand why, and wanted to fight to keep it alive, wanted to fight to keep something there, so he tried, but ever word that came out of his mouth to the girl ended up starting a fight, not with fists or weapons, but with the pain, anger, and sadness of a broken heart, nothing went through, all the messages of love were scrambled into messages of anger or hurt, nothing was working. The boy gave up, and he was hurt, hurt that he was so weak and hurt from what the girl did to him, he needed to recover though so he tried to stay happy. Everyday the boy went off into his life, and off into the school with a fake smile on his face and fake attempts at being himself, but someone that the boy barely knew saw through this clever rouse. She had talked to the boy once before, only once, and this had been through his now ex-girlfriend, they had been friends. The girl, Starchild, had come up to the boy one day during lunch and asked if he was alright, the boy looked at her confused but told her, “Sure I am fine”, Starchild stared intently back at the boy and called him a lier. Starchild sat down next to the boy and began talking to him, the boy didn’t know how to react. Here there was a pretty girl sitting down next to him who asked how he was feeling and then called him a lier, how was he supposed to approach talking to this girl? The boy had no clue, but all he knew was there was something strangely attractive about this girl, so the boy knew what he had to do, he dove right in. He started asking questions, talking to her, flirting with her and making it extremely obvious he was interested in her. Then one of the strangest things happened, Starchild started doing it back, she flirted just as hard if not harder, she talked to him and she defiantly was asking plenty of questions of her own. Over a little time the boy once again decided to follow the strange feelings that were slowly taking over his thoughts, he asked Starchild out, and once again the boy heard a yes. The following week was bliss, not a single fight, not a single argument just pure laughter and fun. The two ended up spending a lot of time together, making cookies and not letting the dough make it to the pan, making up inside jokes and stories about little mushroom babies and of course cuddling and having a kiss or two here and there, but as they say, all good things must come to an end, and so it did. The Girl broke down and told the boy that she was in no way ready for a relationship after being hurt from her last boyfriend, and then Starchild left the boy’s life, at least until about 11 O’Clock. The boy had gone to bed a bit early and a bit hurt, when his mother came down into his room with a phone explaining to him that she thought something happened to Starchild because she was on the phone crying. The boy listened to the cries and muffled words come from the other end of the phone line, he managed to hear a few select words like: “I made a mistake”, and “Please forgive me” and “take me back”. So our protagonist gladly accepted the request and he went to sleep peacefully. The boy woke up excited for the day and excited to see Starchild, knowing that when he saw her he would be greeted with a warm hug. The boy got to school and found Starchild, and just as he knew he got a warm happy hug, but by the time lunch rolled in, something was wrong, the girl was off by herself crying. The boy couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong so he went to try talking to her. The girl managed to say how much she was sorry, but she still couldn’t do it and had to end it. So in less than 12 hours the boy had been broken up with twice by the same heartache. Starchild remained something special to the boy , but he just wasn’t willing to risk getting hurt again for a third time.

End Part 1

Intermission

Start Part 2:

As time began to pass for the boy, a girl came out of the woodwork, she began to talk with the boy and ask for his advice quite often. The boy was happy to help her out and decided he had found a new friend. This new friendship quickly turned into a relationship for as time went on in the two’s life the girl sunshine told the boy she liked him and wanted to know if they could be something together. The boy was ready to take a chance., so he said yes, this turned out to be a error in the boy’s ways. A few days later it all came crashing down into a spiraling disaster. The boy proved to be far to injured from past relationships, he couldn’t handle and sunshine proved to be far too much trouble for the boy to handle. It had to end. After the relationship ended, sunshine embarked on a quest to let the boy know just how much she disliked him. Sunshine went far out of her way to see how far she could push the boy. The boy was forced into a mix of angry girl and a haggard group of friends forcing slurs and angry words in his general direction. After a few weeks of this the boy couldn’t take it anymore, the very thing that sunshine promised so defend him from, she became herself, sunshine pushed the boy into a corner and from that corner he went through the walls and over the edge. When the boy thought no one would notice he snuck off into a secluded place with rope in mind and rope in hand he pushed himself past crowds of worries and into a low boiler room. The boy took a moment to make sure everything was gonna work and he broke down, in a puddle of tears the boy sat in a chair with dangling vengeance above him, as he prepared himself and redied himself to do the ultimate, sunshine broke his silence, she came into the room in a worried hush yelling. She saw what was about to happen and tried as hard as she could to stop it, whether it would be a guilty conscience or a true remorse, it didn’t matter, because through all the tears, one message was clear, she was sorry and apologized to the boy for everything that had happened. The boy was touched, and right there he felt something he hadn’t felt in quite some time, emotions, something other than a dark ominous impending doom, he felt sadness, he felt happiness, he felt sorry. The boy took the next few weeks as they came, but through them all he did it with a sincere smile, for the boy had been taught a lesson, he realized he was happy, happy to breathe air and happy to dance, and sing, and laugh, and cry, and happy to be alive.

As the happy weeks went on, the boy heard nothing but a singing heart, and apparently that had attracted attention. A few days later starchild came up tot he boy and asked him something peculiar, for the first time in a bit over a month, she wanted to see and spend time with the boy, and so the boy said yes and they made plans together to see a play, a truly romantic occasion. So the night came, the boy and starchild went to the play, and during the play another strange thing happened, starchild kissed the boy. The boy should have seen a red flag and ran, but he was blinded by the moment and thus, he gave in. starchild leaned in and asked the boy what he wanted them to be, and the boy told her,

“I want us to be a couple, i want us to be a good couple”

Starchild agreed and told the boy she was sorry for all the times before and that this time it would be different, if only the boy would give her another chance. The boy said yes and so off they went into a land of blissful enjoyment of each others company.

A few days pass and everything seems alright. Life is good, as far as the eye can see, unfourtantly for the boy, he must have been blind that day, because he couldn’t find starchild anywhere. He searched all mornign and she was no where to be found, so he felt that something had to have been wrong, but he let the thought settle down and he went about his day. Lunch came around and he sat down to enjoy his meal, and right as he began to relax a sentence hit him like a bullet, ripping through his heart once again. Starchild had snuck up behind him and whispered him 4 words once again, “I cant Do this.” The boy was hurt, angry and most of all furious at himself for trusting this girl again. He got up and turned around looking her in the eye and spoke only a few words as he walked away,

“No more will you toy with my heart, I am done with you and your toying with me.” and with that, the boy left the room to go and ponder.

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The boy took the next few months off, not in a literal sense, more so a figurative sense, he shut himself down, and he focused more on dreams and fantasies than actual reality. The boy took the opportunity to get more in tune with his dreams and figure out where he wanted to go in live, although he knew this would be a fruitless venture due to his constantly changing opinions of things. The boy was doing good, and After a few months of not caring about girls, he was feeling better than ever, his heart was healed, for the most part anyway, and he was really starting to feel as if maybe he was a good person. The boy started to notice something, his opinion of women was starting to move in a more pure light, he wasn’t staring off lustfully anymore as much as he was starting to look at girls in more of a respectable opinion. It wasn’t a judgment of who had the best face, best makeup, or who was skinniest, and this couldn’t have come at a better time, because the boy found himself in another moment of love. The boy was one the verge of something great and he couldn’t even see it coming, for the boy had blinded himself against the advances of girls.

Now if i was to go into detail about this next section of the story, this poor narrator would be sitting here for well over a year and a half trying to explain all the amazing moments and days of bliss, love, happiness and pure enjoyment, but we just don’t have that kind of time, so for now, you can listen to the short version.

It was the late fall of 2007 and the boy had found himself milling over life and all of it’s curve balls, when the boy found a new one to add to the list. He sat in class everyday, and admired a girl who sat behind him, he never had a chance, or so he thought, but as it happens in love stories, the boy was dead wrong. The boy was sitting at home one night on his favorite website, myspace, when he received a new friend request, and to his much surprise it was from the one lone girl his heart had picked out of an entire school, it was from Carnation, the angel from the boy’s class. Carnation and the boy began to talk on a quite regular basis, and their conversations always seemed to take quite a large chunk out time out of their nights. Although most of the time it was the boy trying to get some input from carnation, it was still some of the best talks the boy had had with anyone in a very long time. Over a surprisingly short amount of time the boy somehow decided to build up the nerve to ask carnation out, and for another chapter in the boy’s life, the girl said yes. The relationship started out great, late night phone conversations, seeing each other in school everyday and just spending a lot of quality time together. Then came the time for the boy to meet the girls parents, the boy was scared, insecure and most of all, worried he wouldn’t fit in. The girl and the boy got into carnation’s truck, and they drove a short mile and a half to her house. The boy reluctantly got out of the vehicle and walked into the house. Much to his dismay, the girls entire family was there, along with the extended family. Carnation’s aunt greeted the boy at the top of the stairs, the rest of the family waited till he reached the main floor. The boy was shaky and nervous, he would have probably been a lot more shaky if it wasn’t for the fact he was paralyzed with fear at the fact there were about 15 people in a room judging him. The boy managed to convince carnation to sneak away to her room with him so he could relax a little more. While Carnation was showing the boy her house and ultimately her bedroom, Carnation’s uncle had been threatening the boy the entire time. This didn’t help the boy’s state of being. After a few excruciating hours of verbal torture, the boy convinced Carnation to bring him home.

The next few months of their time together were amazing, if heaven was to be put on earth, it would have been those two enjoying it all. The inevitable found it’s way in between the two love birds once again. Fights, arguments, disagreements and conflicts. The once perfect relationship was sullied. Carnation began to question everything the boy did, she began to see only fault in the boy, the boy, try as he might, could not get carnation and himself back onto the right path. Then one day, the boy realized a sad fact, Carnation lost interest in him, her words and promises of love were then, sad untruthful lies, He caught carnation looking at another boy. Carrot was his name, and he was the instigator on the sidelines. He was rain on cracked cement, soaking into every hole he could find, invading the smallest crevice to spread his wicked vile poison. Carrot convinced carnation to go with him and a few friends for a weekend away in a distant land. The boy was worried, but trusted Carnation to stay faithful. Three days later the boy received a teary eyed phone call from Carnation accompanied by a sentence of peril, “ I can’t do this, Something happened this weekend.”

The boy was worried, angry and destroyed, He got a ride to her house and arrived less than five minutes after the phone call ended. He walked into the house, up the stairs, and straight to her room where he found Carnation laying on her bed crying. Carnation explained what had happened and told the boy she didnt want him around anymore, Carrot was better than him. The boy was hurt, he left her house and started running as soon as he hit the end of her drive way. The boy ran down the highway until he came upon a bridge in the distance. Thoughts ran through the child’s head, Should he? Everything that once had mattered to him, the last thing in his life that was right and pure, had been blackened and torn. Why not? The boy stopped himself before he reached the bridge and began to pray, he prayed the entire rest of the time it took him to walk home. The strength he prayed for, had carried him all the way home. He reached his house, walked in, without a word spoken, he walked past everyone in his house and went to his room, with music loud, and screaming high, the boy screamed until his mouth bled, till he couldn’t form words, till the world was a blob of teary eyed grays. The boy passed out.

When the boy awoke, the world was bright, but everything around him was black, the feeling you get when fall is upon you, everything is colorful, but underneath all that color, you know everything is just changed for its death. The boy went on a month like this, nothing could make him smile, inside at least. He wore a masked everyday, a painted smile and long hair to cover his eyes. The world didn’t know a thing he didn’t let it know.

As the boy got home one day he received a message from Carnation, after her long absence, she wanted to apologize and let the boy know she still loved him and wanted to try things out again. The boy like a fool took the bait. After a long period of deliberation between the two, the boy decided trying again would be a good thing. Carnation and the boy were the perfect couple once again. The world seemed bright, the world was happy, and everything seemed to be better than before. Many months went by before anything even seemed real, like a dream the boy couldn’t wake up from. But when the year and a half mark approached trouble erupted, The boy noticed once again that carnation was into an old habit, he tried to help pry her out of it, but she resisted, and pushed, and thrashed, the boy was helpless. Carnation found herself in a new job amongst new people, and once again a new name revealed itself from her tongue, this time his name was Miasma. Miasma Was a name that seemed to stick on Carnation’s tongue, he would randomly be brought up out of no where, and when Carnation spoke the name, her eyes lit up like before. The boy knew what was happening, and had dreaded the moment, Carnation was gonna break the boys heart again, this time more sinister than the previous time. A month went by as Carnation could be found only with Miasma, late night dates, phone talks, and plans broken so that Carnation could spend time with Miasma. The boy was crushed, and brought it up to Carnation. She denied all of it. Then a few days later she showed up to his house, in tears she ripped out the boys heart and threw it to the vultures, a feeding frenzy ensued, all of everything she had denied three days prior, became a grueling reality. The boy once again had been destroyed by a girl with a pretty smile and angelic eyes.