Nostolgic?

Idk, I guess it was Nostalgia, I was just feeling a little emotional about the past today, and I figured that I would post a video that I had made about 3 years ago, with footage from up to 5 years old. This was an Old trailer slash Introduction video I made for a DVD from a time far far ago. Little to say, It Never got used, but it was good practice, and an even better memory later on. So here is the video:

Calming The Public.

This is the First full release of a Poison Studios DVD in many many long years, so we are calling this our official First DVD release.

I can’t give away very many details about this yet as it is far too early, but what I can say, is this Intro that was released Today at 10:30 Central time, Is amazing!

A wasted thought, effort, life.

Okay this is a very old post I had on my other blog, but since this blog gets a lot more attention, I thought I would post it here..Okay, so I do a lot of filming, I mean A LOT, but I just dont feel good about using what I have. The camera I use is not the kind I need to actually film something of worth and decent quality.

The camera I use now is a pretty basic model Sony Digital 8. The Camera is decent, if you want to film like family events, or say a small sporting event, but it in no way, can compare to Canon xl1. I have been trying, for four years now to make money to afford a Canon XL1, My passion is filming, it is my heart and soul, and when I wake up in the morning and know I am going to go out that day and capture footage with my friends…. it is what I live for!

So every so often, I go on to websites like eBay to check out how much the used Canon xl1 and XL1s’ are going for. I know when I enter that site that it is usually a mistake, because I always end up getting so depressed knowing that I will not be able to obtain one of these items I long for. Well, today was one of the worst times I have had looking through all the cameras. I came across a couple Canon XL1’s for just under Two Hundred dollars. Upon looking at the item descriptions, and reading about how the previous owner only needed the camera for one project and then is just selling it on eBay for some chump change to them, it brought me to tears. How is it that some people can just pick and choose what they want in life and not even realize how much they have. A person needed a $3000 camera for ONE project and then they pretty much just throw it away. I don’t get it, and the worse part is, I know I will probably never be able to own one of these beautiful cameras. So, as I was digging through all these auctions for the cameras, I was brought to the verge of tears. Honestly, I just want to get a decent camera like a Canon XL1 and film in peace. I want to be able to go out in the morning, spend all day out in the field, and just be at peace cause I have a camera to be proud of, and to know that I would treat this camera better than half of the other owners.

So, Why is it that people just pick and choose, and then act like they can just throw this stuff away, and then there be people like me, sitting behind a screen looking on at them through tear covered eyes? How do they sleep at night? Do they even know what it is like to strive to gain what they want?

I have a few updates to add, Since this post way back in “the day” I have obtained a new camera due to the fact my Digital 8 had run it’s course and broke. But little to say the only improvement was this camera records in MiniDv, which allows a slightly better quality, than the Digital 8’s 8mm Film. This camera is still not even close to what I need, but the money I used to get this camera was primarily Birthday money.

Fights…

This is going to be kinda short compared to my last two posts but here it goes.

Fights: Fights are ways people tend to resort to when they have a disagreement. THere are two types of fights in my opinion, physical and Verbal. Luckily enough, i have had only a few physical fights, and i don’t ever plan on anymore. I do not liek the concept of them at all, but as for verbal fights, i have more than my share.

Last night, I ended the night with a hearty warm heartfelt fight, with a “friend”.  It was a bad way to end the night, Little to say, he made me feel worth about as much as a penny you see on the ground. This morning I woke up and got the honor of walking intoa fight between my parents. this is one type of fight that can be damaging to even those not involved. See parents haver the uncanny ability to drag EVERYONE in the house into a argument. well little to say, after I watched this for about an hour, my mother left the home, leaving me with my irate stepfather, and no way for him to vent his anger, well Unfourtantly for me, this led to me becoming his punching bag (metaphorically speaking), I became his target for every cuss word, sneer remark, and just plain rudeness and viciously mean tongue. Not a single thing about me was left untouched, his words cut into me, and made me angry with myself, and this world, even more so, they hurt me. I had always told myself I was never going to grow up to be like him, I was not going to grow up like my parents at all, but today, something happened that I Already regret. I got into an argument with my Girlfriend, Now what you need to know, is I love this girl more than the world, I absolutely adore this woman, she is about the only thing to hit me, other than God, that has had a positive and important Powerful effect on me. We have been together for a few months over a year, and it has been a amazingly Wonderful time already and we both plan on it being a very wonderful LIFE together. Now don’t get me wrong, we are not anything like engaged, we still have a few years to wait before we consider actually doing it, but we have grown so close, and so deeply in love, that we both hope, and know we are going to be with each other. We used to argue often, as many do in early stages of a relationship, it is a way for you to work out differences and learn to accept each other. But we have not had a bad argument in quite some time, close to 4 or 5 months. Unfourtantly, tonight ended that streak. There was too much tension and stress in me to keep it bottled up, and tonight I made the wrong choice and took it out on a beautiful girl who didn’t deserve it. I regret it already, Little to say, but we had a very heated fight, both arguing about things that meant a lot to us, but neither of us would give in, and finally instead of resolving the fight in a calm manor, I just had to leave. I know it was the wrong thing to do. I don not say the argument was wrong, cause that is part of working something out, but I ended up using it to take my anger out on her, that was actually caused by other people. and she didn’t deserve that. But so I sat down looking at myself, feeling like the lowest of low, and realized something to my much dismay, I am becoming those who I hated, and told myself i would never grow up to be like, my parents. Now it isn’t their faults, they didn’t force me to fight with her, but, I feel low, and I know how I handled tonight was wrong.That Poor Girl Didn’t deserve what I did, and now we probably are going to have an awkward period of silence between us, and it is my fault, I have become those which I loathed, and now, I am paying for it. I am sorry.

So what is my moral? Well it guess sit was more of a self-revelation,  I have become what i hated, and now I need to find out how to return to being the boy that my angel loved. I need to find my center, and peace of mind again, I have to solve myself before I can solve anything outside myself.

Suicide

Warning: The following may be graphic or of no interest to you, Read at your own risk. Also, If you leave a comment, Please leave constructive criticism, instead of acting like a angsty 12 year old leaving a review full of things like, but not limited to: You suck, your a faggot, your gay, this is stupid, go die, ETC.

Suicide, this can be a very touchy topic to write and read about, What exactly is it tho?

By definition suicide is:

su·i·cide play_w(“S0870700″)

 (s-sd)

n.

1. The act or an instance of intentionally killing oneself.

2. The destruction or ruin of one’s own interests: It is professional suicide to involve oneself in illegal practices.

3. One who commits suicide.

So, is this all that it really is? I don’t think so. Honestly, I think suicide is one of the weakest and most selfish things you can ever do. It has a few very direct, and hurtful effect to others, It causes pain, to friends, family, and those who loved you and you loved. No matter what party you are with, the person doing it, or those affected by it, it can be a terrible experience. If you are the person ready to do it, It shakes you up, you worry, but not as much as you think, it is just more so for hoping that you do go to a better place. Once someone is in that state of mind, it can be very hard to break out of it. Depression often leads to suicide, more often than it should, but seeing as someone is already depressed and thinking about it, when the time comes for them to do it, it isn’t a very hard decision.

Now let’s look at the person being affected by it, this by my opinion is the worst side to have at a time like this. They have to sit and think about it, not only do they experience loss of a loved one, they are almost forced to wonder why, how could’ve I helped, why arn’t things better for us? And in some cases, people worry that this was their fault, or that they COULD have done something to help them, but in my opinion, unfortunately, this isn’t the case as often as we think. Once someone is ready to do it, all they really have left is the thought of the comfort of not having to deal with this planet anymore, or the stupid people in this world that cause so many people each day to take their own life’s just to make a point.

What is happening to us, we are so ignored, picked on, and used that the only way it seems we are allowed to express ourselves is with our own body and not words or feelings anymore. If someone is emotional,or shows the slightest sign of anything other than anger or hate, they seem to be casted out. If you don’t participate in Drama, you seem to tend to BE that drama, not by your choice,but those around you, for sticking out, for not joining in the ridicules of our “peers”. What is happening? Someone is abused or raped or molested as a child, so they need to feel that power of control, so what do they do? Turn to prostitution, or turn around and do it to their OWN kids, or other’s. Someone gets hurt by a Loved one, or has a rough day at school, or maybe just, someone didn’t want to hear their opinion, what do they do to get rid of the pain inflicted by other’s words and actions? Cut themselves as a CRY for help, but most of the time it is hidden. And what happens when these other things don’t work? Or when Life gets too Hard, or no one seems to be their anymore? Is it really that no one is there, or have we just been programmed by our peers, to be blind to love? Is it this world doing it? SO when we don’t feel love, what is it we turn to? Suicide. The thought runs through our head’s once or twice, maybe a few more times, but then, then it becomes constant, everything seems to pose a way out of this dark world. One a tool we used for our craft projects our parents loved, and now are ignored by, becomes the tool to mutilate ourselves.

SO what happens to those who Do commit suicide, well there are a few things to be sure of:

1. They have left a wake of hurt.

2. The only thing they proved was the weakness in not being able to Conquer this place, and that those who picked on them, are the winners, they got what they wanted.

3. The world will not be the same, it has one more life to add to the chalk board of meaningless loss.

4. They will never have the ability or chance to laugh, when someday they proved themselves greater than their foes.

I really wanted to get into the biblical definitions of what happens to someoen who commits suicide, but I am not feeling the energy tonight to write it out. I will do some at a later time.

But as a closure, Suicide, in my opinion is: Something very scary, a weak way out, something I experienced firsthand. Something I once thought was my ticket to happiness, Something I am glad that I fought past, and conquered. Something, no one should have to go through, something that we all need to understand, is the last thing a lot of people will ever do, and we may be able to put a end to that, if we just try to stop it before it is ever an issue in the first place. Instead of trying to get rid of the end of it, let’s try to make it so no one has to even consider it in the first place.

Counterfeits

Ha, Ever just sit down and realize, these people you hang with, are not the people you want to hang around anymore? Does it make me a counterfeit Friend? Or does it make me wise, realizing something most people find hard to believe. They all say they are trying so hard to be “Good Friends” But I mean How hard is it really to be a good friend? Are all the stupid things they say behind your back, and the way they toy with you when you are around, Worth it? What do you do when what they are doing, is hurting you, and the ones you love? Can you really just sit there and watch them do it, or do you speak up? and when you Do speak up, if you do, What do you do when they twist it all around and make you feel like a worthless friend? Meh, What if they make promises and tear them away as if you don’t mean enough to them for them to have to keep their words? I find it almost a daily struggle to even be able to believe the words coming out of their mouths anymore, so many lies and broken promises. I have debated this all with myself before, but now, I don’t know, case now that I am no longer “part of a social circle” I don’t really have anyone else to go talk or hang with.

Lately my Blogs have been related to filming, and dreams and how my parents seem to be trying their very hardest to bar me from these dreams, but now, I seem to feel that my friends are trying just, if not harder, at barring me from all of my dreams and future. Their Lies, broken promises, lack of being able to trust, and just outright ways they tear at my words, thoughts, and dreams, seems to be pushing me closer to not being able to consider a lot of them My “friend”. Seriously, the ways that they still act and participate like they are covered in Middle school drama, makes me sick. And I don’t see why they don’t go home and puke up their words and the ways they act. How does it not make them sick of themselves. How can they wake up in the morning and look at themselves int he mirror. I remember when I used to be a kid in middle school thinking he was cool, because he could cause drama and watch the people attack each other, but I also remember waking up in the morning and just feeling like the worst thing ever to hit the streets. Like I was the reason that so many life’s ended up in tears and hate of their once Friends. So Does this mean I am the only person smart enough in this town to listen to their conscious? Or that I am the Only one That cares enough about others to not have to make my Fun by screwing with theirs lives and wrecking the good things they have going for them.

I don’t have any video clips to attach to this, cause I dont really think there is much I can really show you, but Now that I think about it, I do have a video I made about 5 years ago. I’ll Attach that to this:

Current Projects, Keepin you updated

1. We Suck at life:

A Beautiful Tale of friends brought together by none other than a US based Zombie invasion, centered in a small town.

2. Under the Summer Rain:

I lovely tale of a Man torn between his love of nature and his fiance, and the epic twist it takes for happiness to ensue.

3. Cambridge’s 2nd Annnual Film Festival:

No Idea Yet, but Just a educated guess, I think it is going to be around 10-15 minutes long.

4. Life tears me up:

A coming Of age tale, brought to you solely by, Me, James Poison. Now playing at your local Emotional Rollercoaster.

On a bit of a less work oriented note, I have noticed my creativity coming back, her eis part of a conversation with a good friend of mine:

The only reason I have a big imagination is, I have finally just been being able to tear it back open. High-School was a cultural waste land of death when it came to free thought and opinion, and now that I am out of there and graduated, I can finally think again, for myself, without their censored views of reality clouding their own and everyone else’s perception.