An Autobiography without a Point. (unfinished)

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By: James Paine

This is the story of a boy. Well I guess he is more of a man now. He has grown up over the past 19 years of his life and has had the misfortune to experience many different things. Misfortune you ask? Yes, for this boy had bad luck all around. Life deemed it necessary to make this boy dislike the very fact he was alive, in fact there was a period in the boys life when the fact he was alive was almost taken away from him, but he didn’t have to worry about a bully doing it, or a robber, no his own murderer was himself, but that is neither here nor there. This story takes place a little while before that, oh indeed the boy ended up living many more long years, and even though these years were rough, the boy survived. Many people ask the boy how he has made it through so many hard years and tragedies, well he always answers them the same: “With love, anything can happen. I just wish I had more of it,”

So let’s examine a time in this boy’s life when that seemed to be the case, when there was so much of this “love” thing that he talked about ever so much:

The year was 1989 and a beautiful baby boy had just been born, well not so much on the beautiful part, I’m pretty sure he was born with a full set of buck teeth and a mullet, but this is far too early for our story, let’s skip a few years and a few misguided adventures and go straight to high school. The year had to have been somewhere around 2005. The year had been pretty rocky, a few good grades but the rest pretty average, and a girlfriend or two each who had made our poor protagonist the victim of adultery, but did all this faze our poor hero? Nah, he got back up again after a little down time and started right back on what he began to call his “Never ending quest for Love!” Now the boy knew right from the start that a title that referred to it as never ending was probably cursing the thing right from the start but he cared not, for he began to think that love was in no shape or way possible, at least for someone to end up falling in love with him it wasn’t. So anyways, the boy began to open up his heart to many different things, he started talking to a lot of new people and branching out from his normal group of friends and surroundings. This proved to be a extremely well met gesture as after a bit of time for everyone to warm up to him, others began to accept him and even enjoy spending time with and hanging out with the boy! It was to him, one of the greatest things he had ever achieved. In all of the branching out into new groups, it was inevitable that he would come across someone who would capture his interest. The boy met a girl who over time began to seem quite attractive to him, so the boy took the plunge and did what any self respecting male would do and asked out the girl. She of course said yes and decided it was going to be amazing. The boy and girl did cute little things together for a few days and hung out when they could, but something happened during all that too, he began to become close to some of the girl’s friends who seemed very nice.

One day the boy’s girlfriend called him and told him that she would be gone for a day or two showing some animals they took care of, to the boy it was a simple thing he didn’t mind as long as maybe he would be able to see her when she got back. Well while she was gone, the boy got a call from some of the girls friend’s who were with her at the animal showing, they decided to inform the boy that the girl had been getting quite heavily involved with another boy at the show, and that if she called and broke up with him the next day or even that night, to not be surprised. Well it did end up turning out exactly as the girl’s friends had explained and the boys girlfriend ended the relationship on grounds of infidelity.

After that whole fiasco went down, the friend’s of the now Ex-Girlfriend now began to talk to the boy on a quite regular basis. As time passed by the boy began to become infatuated with one of the Ex-girl’s friends. Her name shall be Moonflower. Now on of the biggest things that attracted the boy was the fact that Moonflower was no dummy, she had to have been one of the most educated well read girl’s the boy had ever come across. It was the rainy season in Minnesota now and the boy had been pulled in by another girl’s charms. After a little while Moonflower captured the boy and he undoubtedly asked the girl out, and she of course said yes, once again the boy entered a period of bliss, but this time something was different. The girl didn’t use him, mistreat him, or talk about him behind his back, she didn’t even cheat on him. The boy thought this was weird and started to watch himself trust her more and more and he even let some real feelings be produced for the girl. The boy’s rainy season soon turned into a hot sweltering summer and slowly he watched as the leaves turned from green to the colors of cavern walls that are hidden deep from our human eyes. Thus the boy’s summer soon came to an end as the undeniable sign of fall hit him, school was starting, but he could care less for he had a girl who actually liked him and was on his side. As the school season started though, the boy noticed some changes in Moonflower’s behavior, she started to distance herself and become less sociable, with him at least. The inevitable once again hit him, the girl got so far away it seemed as if she wasn’t even there anymore, till one day when her friend came up to him crying and handed him a note from Moonflower, in it were the words the boy knew were coming but still dreaded. It was over, the longest relationship of the boy’s life to that point, was over.

The boy was devastated, he couldn’t understand why, and wanted to fight to keep it alive, wanted to fight to keep something there, so he tried, but ever word that came out of his mouth to the girl ended up starting a fight, not with fists or weapons, but with the pain, anger, and sadness of a broken heart, nothing went through, all the messages of love were scrambled into messages of anger or hurt, nothing was working. The boy gave up, and he was hurt, hurt that he was so weak and hurt from what the girl did to him, he needed to recover though so he tried to stay happy. Everyday the boy went off into his life, and off into the school with a fake smile on his face and fake attempts at being himself, but someone that the boy barely knew saw through this clever rouse. She had talked to the boy once before, only once, and this had been through his now ex-girlfriend, they had been friends. The girl, Starchild, had come up to the boy one day during lunch and asked if he was alright, the boy looked at her confused but told her, “Sure I am fine”, Starchild stared intently back at the boy and called him a lier. Starchild sat down next to the boy and began talking to him, the boy didn’t know how to react. Here there was a pretty girl sitting down next to him who asked how he was feeling and then called him a lier, how was he supposed to approach talking to this girl? The boy had no clue, but all he knew was there was something strangely attractive about this girl, so the boy knew what he had to do, he dove right in. He started asking questions, talking to her, flirting with her and making it extremely obvious he was interested in her. Then one of the strangest things happened, Starchild started doing it back, she flirted just as hard if not harder, she talked to him and she defiantly was asking plenty of questions of her own. Over a little time the boy once again decided to follow the strange feelings that were slowly taking over his thoughts, he asked Starchild out, and once again the boy heard a yes. The following week was bliss, not a single fight, not a single argument just pure laughter and fun. The two ended up spending a lot of time together, making cookies and not letting the dough make it to the pan, making up inside jokes and stories about little mushroom babies and of course cuddling and having a kiss or two here and there, but as they say, all good things must come to an end, and so it did. The Girl broke down and told the boy that she was in no way ready for a relationship after being hurt from her last boyfriend, and then Starchild left the boy’s life, at least until about 11 O’Clock. The boy had gone to bed a bit early and a bit hurt, when his mother came down into his room with a phone explaining to him that she thought something happened to Starchild because she was on the phone crying. The boy listened to the cries and muffled words come from the other end of the phone line, he managed to hear a few select words like: “I made a mistake”, and “Please forgive me” and “take me back”. So our protagonist gladly accepted the request and he went to sleep peacefully. The boy woke up excited for the day and excited to see Starchild, knowing that when he saw her he would be greeted with a warm hug. The boy got to school and found Starchild, and just as he knew he got a warm happy hug, but by the time lunch rolled in, something was wrong, the girl was off by herself crying. The boy couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong so he went to try talking to her. The girl managed to say how much she was sorry, but she still couldn’t do it and had to end it. So in less than 12 hours the boy had been broken up with twice by the same heartache. Starchild remained something special to the boy , but he just wasn’t willing to risk getting hurt again for a third time.

End Part 1

Intermission

Start Part 2:

As time began to pass for the boy, a girl came out of the woodwork, she began to talk with the boy and ask for his advice quite often. The boy was happy to help her out and decided he had found a new friend. This new friendship quickly turned into a relationship for as time went on in the two’s life the girl sunshine told the boy she liked him and wanted to know if they could be something together. The boy was ready to take a chance., so he said yes, this turned out to be a error in the boy’s ways. A few days later it all came crashing down into a spiraling disaster. The boy proved to be far to injured from past relationships, he couldn’t handle and sunshine proved to be far too much trouble for the boy to handle. It had to end. After the relationship ended, sunshine embarked on a quest to let the boy know just how much she disliked him. Sunshine went far out of her way to see how far she could push the boy. The boy was forced into a mix of angry girl and a haggard group of friends forcing slurs and angry words in his general direction. After a few weeks of this the boy couldn’t take it anymore, the very thing that sunshine promised so defend him from, she became herself, sunshine pushed the boy into a corner and from that corner he went through the walls and over the edge. When the boy thought no one would notice he snuck off into a secluded place with rope in mind and rope in hand he pushed himself past crowds of worries and into a low boiler room. The boy took a moment to make sure everything was gonna work and he broke down, in a puddle of tears the boy sat in a chair with dangling vengeance above him, as he prepared himself and redied himself to do the ultimate, sunshine broke his silence, she came into the room in a worried hush yelling. She saw what was about to happen and tried as hard as she could to stop it, whether it would be a guilty conscience or a true remorse, it didn’t matter, because through all the tears, one message was clear, she was sorry and apologized to the boy for everything that had happened. The boy was touched, and right there he felt something he hadn’t felt in quite some time, emotions, something other than a dark ominous impending doom, he felt sadness, he felt happiness, he felt sorry. The boy took the next few weeks as they came, but through them all he did it with a sincere smile, for the boy had been taught a lesson, he realized he was happy, happy to breathe air and happy to dance, and sing, and laugh, and cry, and happy to be alive.

As the happy weeks went on, the boy heard nothing but a singing heart, and apparently that had attracted attention. A few days later starchild came up tot he boy and asked him something peculiar, for the first time in a bit over a month, she wanted to see and spend time with the boy, and so the boy said yes and they made plans together to see a play, a truly romantic occasion. So the night came, the boy and starchild went to the play, and during the play another strange thing happened, starchild kissed the boy. The boy should have seen a red flag and ran, but he was blinded by the moment and thus, he gave in. starchild leaned in and asked the boy what he wanted them to be, and the boy told her,

“I want us to be a couple, i want us to be a good couple”

Starchild agreed and told the boy she was sorry for all the times before and that this time it would be different, if only the boy would give her another chance. The boy said yes and so off they went into a land of blissful enjoyment of each others company.

A few days pass and everything seems alright. Life is good, as far as the eye can see, unfourtantly for the boy, he must have been blind that day, because he couldn’t find starchild anywhere. He searched all mornign and she was no where to be found, so he felt that something had to have been wrong, but he let the thought settle down and he went about his day. Lunch came around and he sat down to enjoy his meal, and right as he began to relax a sentence hit him like a bullet, ripping through his heart once again. Starchild had snuck up behind him and whispered him 4 words once again, “I cant Do this.” The boy was hurt, angry and most of all furious at himself for trusting this girl again. He got up and turned around looking her in the eye and spoke only a few words as he walked away,

“No more will you toy with my heart, I am done with you and your toying with me.” and with that, the boy left the room to go and ponder.

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The boy took the next few months off, not in a literal sense, more so a figurative sense, he shut himself down, and he focused more on dreams and fantasies than actual reality. The boy took the opportunity to get more in tune with his dreams and figure out where he wanted to go in live, although he knew this would be a fruitless venture due to his constantly changing opinions of things. The boy was doing good, and After a few months of not caring about girls, he was feeling better than ever, his heart was healed, for the most part anyway, and he was really starting to feel as if maybe he was a good person. The boy started to notice something, his opinion of women was starting to move in a more pure light, he wasn’t staring off lustfully anymore as much as he was starting to look at girls in more of a respectable opinion. It wasn’t a judgment of who had the best face, best makeup, or who was skinniest, and this couldn’t have come at a better time, because the boy found himself in another moment of love. The boy was one the verge of something great and he couldn’t even see it coming, for the boy had blinded himself against the advances of girls.

Now if i was to go into detail about this next section of the story, this poor narrator would be sitting here for well over a year and a half trying to explain all the amazing moments and days of bliss, love, happiness and pure enjoyment, but we just don’t have that kind of time, so for now, you can listen to the short version.

It was the late fall of 2007 and the boy had found himself milling over life and all of it’s curve balls, when the boy found a new one to add to the list. He sat in class everyday, and admired a girl who sat behind him, he never had a chance, or so he thought, but as it happens in love stories, the boy was dead wrong. The boy was sitting at home one night on his favorite website, myspace, when he received a new friend request, and to his much surprise it was from the one lone girl his heart had picked out of an entire school, it was from Carnation, the angel from the boy’s class. Carnation and the boy began to talk on a quite regular basis, and their conversations always seemed to take quite a large chunk out time out of their nights. Although most of the time it was the boy trying to get some input from carnation, it was still some of the best talks the boy had had with anyone in a very long time. Over a surprisingly short amount of time the boy somehow decided to build up the nerve to ask carnation out, and for another chapter in the boy’s life, the girl said yes. The relationship started out great, late night phone conversations, seeing each other in school everyday and just spending a lot of quality time together. Then came the time for the boy to meet the girls parents, the boy was scared, insecure and most of all, worried he wouldn’t fit in. The girl and the boy got into carnation’s truck, and they drove a short mile and a half to her house. The boy reluctantly got out of the vehicle and walked into the house. Much to his dismay, the girls entire family was there, along with the extended family. Carnation’s aunt greeted the boy at the top of the stairs, the rest of the family waited till he reached the main floor. The boy was shaky and nervous, he would have probably been a lot more shaky if it wasn’t for the fact he was paralyzed with fear at the fact there were about 15 people in a room judging him. The boy managed to convince carnation to sneak away to her room with him so he could relax a little more. While Carnation was showing the boy her house and ultimately her bedroom, Carnation’s uncle had been threatening the boy the entire time. This didn’t help the boy’s state of being. After a few excruciating hours of verbal torture, the boy convinced Carnation to bring him home.

The next few months of their time together were amazing, if heaven was to be put on earth, it would have been those two enjoying it all. The inevitable found it’s way in between the two love birds once again. Fights, arguments, disagreements and conflicts. The once perfect relationship was sullied. Carnation began to question everything the boy did, she began to see only fault in the boy, the boy, try as he might, could not get carnation and himself back onto the right path. Then one day, the boy realized a sad fact, Carnation lost interest in him, her words and promises of love were then, sad untruthful lies, He caught carnation looking at another boy. Carrot was his name, and he was the instigator on the sidelines. He was rain on cracked cement, soaking into every hole he could find, invading the smallest crevice to spread his wicked vile poison. Carrot convinced carnation to go with him and a few friends for a weekend away in a distant land. The boy was worried, but trusted Carnation to stay faithful. Three days later the boy received a teary eyed phone call from Carnation accompanied by a sentence of peril, “ I can’t do this, Something happened this weekend.”

The boy was worried, angry and destroyed, He got a ride to her house and arrived less than five minutes after the phone call ended. He walked into the house, up the stairs, and straight to her room where he found Carnation laying on her bed crying. Carnation explained what had happened and told the boy she didnt want him around anymore, Carrot was better than him. The boy was hurt, he left her house and started running as soon as he hit the end of her drive way. The boy ran down the highway until he came upon a bridge in the distance. Thoughts ran through the child’s head, Should he? Everything that once had mattered to him, the last thing in his life that was right and pure, had been blackened and torn. Why not? The boy stopped himself before he reached the bridge and began to pray, he prayed the entire rest of the time it took him to walk home. The strength he prayed for, had carried him all the way home. He reached his house, walked in, without a word spoken, he walked past everyone in his house and went to his room, with music loud, and screaming high, the boy screamed until his mouth bled, till he couldn’t form words, till the world was a blob of teary eyed grays. The boy passed out.

When the boy awoke, the world was bright, but everything around him was black, the feeling you get when fall is upon you, everything is colorful, but underneath all that color, you know everything is just changed for its death. The boy went on a month like this, nothing could make him smile, inside at least. He wore a masked everyday, a painted smile and long hair to cover his eyes. The world didn’t know a thing he didn’t let it know.

As the boy got home one day he received a message from Carnation, after her long absence, she wanted to apologize and let the boy know she still loved him and wanted to try things out again. The boy like a fool took the bait. After a long period of deliberation between the two, the boy decided trying again would be a good thing. Carnation and the boy were the perfect couple once again. The world seemed bright, the world was happy, and everything seemed to be better than before. Many months went by before anything even seemed real, like a dream the boy couldn’t wake up from. But when the year and a half mark approached trouble erupted, The boy noticed once again that carnation was into an old habit, he tried to help pry her out of it, but she resisted, and pushed, and thrashed, the boy was helpless. Carnation found herself in a new job amongst new people, and once again a new name revealed itself from her tongue, this time his name was Miasma. Miasma Was a name that seemed to stick on Carnation’s tongue, he would randomly be brought up out of no where, and when Carnation spoke the name, her eyes lit up like before. The boy knew what was happening, and had dreaded the moment, Carnation was gonna break the boys heart again, this time more sinister than the previous time. A month went by as Carnation could be found only with Miasma, late night dates, phone talks, and plans broken so that Carnation could spend time with Miasma. The boy was crushed, and brought it up to Carnation. She denied all of it. Then a few days later she showed up to his house, in tears she ripped out the boys heart and threw it to the vultures, a feeding frenzy ensued, all of everything she had denied three days prior, became a grueling reality. The boy once again had been destroyed by a girl with a pretty smile and angelic eyes.

Little Girl

A day like today. A cool breeze rolling across the land scape. The sun falls slowly to bring in the night, the war between light and dark has begun, the dark wins, only for a few. days like today, are the reason men like me are gone. The night shows up and we wander away from the home, into the breeze, feeding on the stars and and floating on the upcoming night.

little girl, tell me why you are crying? could it be that inside you are feeling something leaving you? is there a hope, a beacon of light for you in the future? In the distance we see you stare but what are you thinking right now? Is there any hope for any of us little girl? you know what’s going to happen? the bomb that’s falling? the sun that’s exploding? the sky that’s falling? tell me when the light no longer shines how will we see? how will we eat if we cant tell whether its bone or flesh we crave? What if i tell you i am nothing like the rst of them ? If I am different and running away, Can you tell me then what is going to happen to me? will there be a hope? a place of peace? in the end will i be able to trade in this life of evil and hate for a life of calm collective peace? tell me little girl, where am i heading ? can you help me find the right path here in this destructive life i lead?

when I have become something you nor I know of what It is, can you tell me still I make the smiles appear and the tears leave? I falter to find my own heart, how can you say I have helped yours?

Christ Punk Productions, A Punk for Christ

So I guess I’ll update you all a little bit on what I have been up to. A fair Warning, this post if full of what I believe is Faith at work.

Many of you probably know about how I love to film, and that I used to film on a very regular basis. Well, that may mean you also know how lately I have NOT been filming very often at all. I have been struggling with a choice, you see, I had a few options in front of me, the first being, I could continue filming in the name of Poison Studios and Failed Abriviation Productions, and continue down the path of associations like “Jackass” “Tom Green” and “CKY”, As fun as that had been, i was never gonna get anywhere with it aside from making a few laughs occur here and there, and not to mention that many of the things that went on when I filmed that sort of stuff, directly contradicted my Faith and beliefs. As a follower of Christ, I felt I needed to ween my self away from all that, as it didn’t support my “walk in life”.

One thing that happened though was that I lost a lot of friends, I lost more friends that I am willing to admit, but I had to do it, they were not helping me grow fruit, and were definitely part of the reason I was stuck in a rut, it was obvious upon looking at the situation from an outside perspective that I was being held into a constant circle of un-healthy drama and the associated guilt and sin that was pulled along.

Now the second choice I had was to give up filming and find a “way out” into a different walk of life and just forget about the thousands of hours I spent honing a skill, and showing off work, and producing video projects. I could obviously tell this was definitely not the route I wanted to go, but I didn’t have any Idea how I could hold onto this Passion of mine and use it in a way that could Honor the Lord.

Then I came to my third option, after pondering and praying and question for a long time, I felt the Lord talking to me, I felt as if he gave me a beacon. I felt the tug of the Lord, For many years I felt that the Lord wanted me to be directly involved in him with my Faith and in the Faith of others, but I pushed it out of my thoughts, because Honestly I felt that Missionary or “church work” was boring and that It wasn’t for me, but as I was sitting in church and heard my Pastor talking about using my talents for the Lord, It hit me like a rogue Frisbee, I was gonna produce a video for the Lord. After working on the project and watching it fall through due to a few different things, I gave up once more and started to doubt that I’d be able to keep my passion alive and still be able to honor the Lord. I found myself torn apart, crying some nights, there were two things I loved to do so much, but I couldn’t find a way to put them together. Then after a lot of meditation and prayer I decided to give it another shot, this time not making the mistake of jumping into huge project right away. I knew I needed to start small, so I decided I would start with a smaller task, maybe a little free lance video work.

Now here comes a new little twist, I found my self being strongly drawn in a “punk” Life style, not the simple black hair and chains punk, but the politically active radically different than everyone else kind of punk. I started becoming very involved with Politics on all levels, a state level, and country level. Was I directly involved with a lot of things? No, not really, but I did all I could non the less, I voiced my opinion and let it be heard, I rallied, and I protested, I even marched at the Republican National Convention. So now How was I gonna take a Culture I was involved in and allow that to mix in with my Christianity? Not only is most “punk” sub-cultures extremely agnostic, most punks view Christianity as the Exact opposite of what punk is supposed to represent! So now I had a Career Choice, a Goal, a Dream, that wasn’t working well with my Faith, I know had become involved with a large sub-culture that was darn near the 180 Degree Difference of it! Mind you, all the while this was going on, I was working on and in myself to become a “better” Christian, working on my Daily sins, and working to change myself to better Honor of the Lord. Now in this contradiction I had become involved in, is where I started to notice the Lord pulling even harder at me to continue on my path with filming.So I began to pray for Guidance, for inspiration and for Wisdom, to know what the Lord wanted me to do and how to do it. After some time had passed, I began to get some very unique opportunity, I managed to get my hands on my Dream Video camera, the camera I had wanted for a good 8 years, then not long after I managed to get my hands on a sizable amount of professional level audio equipment. So now i was sitting on enough video and audio equipment to start on some sort of serious project, but I still hadn’t received any guidance on what I was supposed to do with all this equipment, so I spent some time getting used to it and learning how to operate it all. After a little while I decided it was time to seek a little advice from my old pastor Peter, but The advice I was seeking though, was on how to overcome my recently developed panic attacks, and for a little prayer and study. After talking with Peter for a while, I brought up my recently acquired equipment, and I talked a bit about how I felt the Lord was pushing and pulling me to do some work for him. Peter being a crazy individual offered up a bit of advice, meditate in the word on it, then do something about it, I then remembered a verse I came upon whilst reading out of Mathew about the Parable of the Good Samaritan, and how I felt most people now-a-days were missing out on the whole “Go and do Likewise” part of Jesus’ teachings. So we discussed it a little while, and came to the conclusion I would maybe make a video about it. So once again, I found myself digging into the Word and praying,and through all of that God spoke to me, he told me over time, that I was going to aim my video at an “alternative” crowd. I was going to use my involvement as a political activist, and a punk as my gateway to put the Word of God into a community that normally scoffs at the notion of Jesus and God, that I was gonna show them through actions and through video that the Love of Jesus is real. Not only that, but I was gonna aim the majority of my work into all sorts of “alternative” crowds that we generally see being “shoed” away from the Church.

So now we come to where I am today, a Punk with an amazing love for God and the Love of Jesus. I am a punk For Christ, as a Christian I am a representative here on Earth. And thus the Creation of my New filming company, a Name that represents the Christian aspect of my life and a name that shows I am not the Everyday “Sunday” Christian.

I’m James Paine, I am a Punk For Christ

Ugh…

Ugh…

Do you ever wonder?

How even though you only meet someone once, and barely know them, you can still realize there is something there? When you talk on the phone for the few hours a day, and that’s what you look forward to during the day, that in those few sweet moments you can feel your personalities connect. :]

Espers… Vague Visions.

So Let’s have a little thought here, WHat is it that makes memories memories?

Something, or some event that was effective enough upon one’s self to make a lasting impact.

Let’s look at the dictionary definition now:

mem·o·ry play_w2(“M0212600″) (mm-r)n. pl. mem·o·ries

1. The mental faculty of retaining and recalling past experience.

2. The act or an instance of remembering; recollection: spent the afternoon lost in memory.

3. All that a person can remember: It hasn’t happened in my memory.

4. Something remembered: pleasant childhood memories.

5. The fact of being remembered; remembrance: dedicated to their parents’ memory.

6. The period of time covered by the remembrance or recollection of a person or group of persons: within the memory of humankind.

Hmm… I don’t think any of those really captures what a memory really is.  They all lack a certain something, Emotional explanation. Unless something had some large impact on your life and that’s why you remember it, could it really be called a memory? well I don’t really want to talk about what a memory is really tho, I got off subject to an extent. I want to focus more on some I have and regrets…

Well So Latley I have been thinking a lot about the past. What is the past but a recolection of time frames put together into signals sent throughout the brain and body triggering a mental, emotional and physical response.  Some make you feel sad and sometimes you feel happy and yet others make everything seem to disappear. man I used to love exploring different emotional responses, but lately they all seem to lead eventually into sadness or depression. It seems this world is hard wiring us all to inevitably end up on the lower end of the emotional spectrum, as if everything we encounter will eventually lead us to sadness. Idk.. I cant talk about this right now. I need to work on this later.. so.. yeah…

A dream With a plan

So My dream has always been to Film, I would Love to film, I feel it is my call, my duty, my life and my passion.

but As far as last year goes, My entrance into an amazing School for it, was all but destroyed by my parents. See my Dream career isn’t Hard manual labor, so of course, they don’t consider it a real Job.
well So I tried as hard as I could to find a way around that, but to all my effort I came up with a negative result.

So I ended up with a lot of time on my hands to think, and I believe I came up with the right solution. See when I was WAY younger I loved to work on computers. So that became my first dream was a job with computers that I’d like. Well I managed to combine Both of my dreams into one Big grandeur dream.

Since I can’t go to a big college right now to pursue my dream of opening a cinematography and Editing studio, I’m going to do something with computers first. I am going to put myself through college for a Cisco Degree, I took a semester of it in High-school as a PSEO type thing and I liked it for the most part. So I’m goign to do that, then get a mid level cisco job which is average at $69000 A year. Then i will save up and stuff for a few years and put myself through a 4 year BFA for Film-making. Then I am going to go back to THe cisco thing, save up more cash. get a lil house, and start up my Children around here. THen I will take that saved money after about 6 or 8 years and use it to start my Own Business. and thus have my Filming and Editing career.

Sounds like a lot of words now.. but it will be concrete someday.

What’s on my Soundwaves

Here is some of the Music and artists playing on my airwaves:

1. Anti-Flag, These guys seriously are amazing, they are almost ideal people for children to have as role models. pacifistic in ways, believe in being true, and question things instead of just accepting all the lies you’re told everyday. The people in the band are realyl rad and nice, Chris #2 Is a awesome dude.

2. Street Dogs, These guys are great, they are nice and fun to talk with and be around, met them at a show and got a hug from the bass player and Knuck’s from the lead singer who was Also the lead singer of the dead kennedys.

3. NOFX, Maybe not the best role-models, not even close, but these guys are hilarious with a strong sense of loyalty to each-other. These guys have been a favorite for sometime.

4. +44, THis band is great, Mark Hoppus is a personal hero of Mine, and I feel he has a very unique Singing style. THe +44 sound is kinda like listening to half of blink-182, but without the high pitched odd vocals of Tom delonge. Which brings me to my next band.

5. Angels & Airwaves: Ahh! This band is great, with a 80’s Feel mixed in with U2, and then add the originality of Tom Delonge and you have a recipe for great music. And Finally…

6. Blink – 182, This band have been a favorite for years, there has rarely been a time where I went for more than a few days without listening and singing out an entire album. I miss these guys a lot, and i regret never going to see them live, i think that would be a dream come true.

earlier, than you’ll ever know

So what if i said I want to give up, but what if i told you I can”t, more-so, in all this confusion, I don’t want to, even tho I said I want to, I really don’t, it is like the outside is masking the inside, this worry takes a hold of me, while my heart sits inside me and tries to break down the shell that the worry is forming.

There is so much going on lately, Usually I can just breeze through life, and kinda float on by with a little bit of thought and prayer, but lately even tho I still pray, and float on by, its like these things i pass by are attack me from behind now. Almost as if God isn’t hearing me. But I know he is In my heart, Just, Maybe I need to listen harder..  Turn down the music, and screams and just listen to the wind for his voice, the whispers he sends to us through everyday life, but we refuse to receive.. I think it is that time a year ago, when I need to just go somewhere private and meditate for a few days, somewhere, where the beauty of the world, no, of God’s creation shines through, and let this beauty slap me across the face. Be inspired once more, be faithful once more, truly Know in my heart that God is there, that I am Living my life for him. It is time for me to spread love, and stay spreading love, to show others the loce God shows to me, to continue training myself to live for God. I need to keep on working hard at this.

Another things lately is my Girlfriend, the Girl is amazing, and She makes me heart smile. Thinking about her makes me calm and happy, the girl herself is absolutely beautiful, she is everything I could ever ask for in a girl. But sometimes I wonder whether or not I deserve someone as good as her. But it is times like this that I feel like that, that I realize She is the girl who I Love, Not just as a friend, but this girl HOLDS my heart, I am deeply in love with her, but that makes separation all the harder, no, I don’t mean separated relationship wise, but distance wise, see sooner than I would like, she is heading off to college, and well there is going to be a pretty lengthy distance between where I’ll be and where she’ll be. And well I know this is going to be a Big test of our love, but I Know deep down inside me we are going to take this test and get a 100% on it, but the fact we still have to go through it worries me, not because I doubt us, but because I doubt that this length between us is going to affect us negatively, No I don’t HOPE for negative effects on us, Just it scares me how we are perfect together, Because if something happens to me or her, Then after this how are we going to find someone who measures up to each other. We long for each other sitting at our houses, how much are we going to long for each other when some bigger distances are involved… HAHA The most useless thing i’m worrying about I know, But with all that distance between us, I know it is going to help us grow to love each other even more. well So, I guess it isn’t so much doubt and worry anymore, it is more that I have found the perfect girl for me, and now I can’t get enough of her. And She can’t get enough of me….

So let’s say for a moment Marriage is something that would soon be a probable possibility, then what? We get married, after being engaged for a while, we have our fights and arguments, but the end result of them all? We work things out, and become even more close.  Almost everything in front of us seems to just help us grow closer and stronger together, Now just one last obstacle, God, Now i do not see God as a roadblock, at least anymore, as my G.F. has become a Christian, and she is working strong at it, not as strong as she could be, but how often do we see new Christians working as hard as they can? Most long time Christians don’t even work as hard as they could be toward it, although, obviously we should be, but so Now as she is a Christian and doing it for the betterment of herself and faith and spirit, there is no more un-passable roadblocks in front of us, we may run into something now and then, but if we work together we can clear the road and walk on through, and why do i say that there is no more un-passable roadblocks? Because now we both have found and follow God, God may choose a harder path than someone else, but He is the GREAT almighty God, He can achieve anything, and through him we as a Christian Couple can too, We have God as our friend, our father, our savior!…

So All In All, My worries arn’t really worries, just insecurities I shouldn’t even have to worry about, just little stumps in the road put there by God in order to show me he is still here with me.

A project for the good of my Lord

So I, As James Paine, Have started a new project, Not some half hearted attempt at fame-dom, no, this time it is for nothing other than the fun of Honoring the Lord.

I was sitting in my youth group listening to a wise man tell me of how people should be using their gifts from God to Honor God, but i was dumbfounded, I couldn’t figure out what my gift was, let alone use it for the good of God. Well after a few weeks of listening to this man tell us all of gifts and of me praying, I began to realize a few of mine.  And so as I sat in youth group once again, the topic arose of using our gifts to Honor the Lord. I had been kinda nodding in and out of this topic as I was probably tired and bored, but a few words popped through as I was gazing down upon a magazine I had brought with, “use your gifts for the Good of the Lord, To Honor Him”, And I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t take the normal everyday approach to this, I couldn’t just say “Hi” and be nice to those I normally wasn’t, no, I needed to do some extraordinary, I needed to use a gift God Gave me for the Good Of Him. And Then An Idea popped into my head, and I felt that this was put there by the Holy Spirit. After my youth pastor finished talking I went straight over to him and explained to him I felt I had just had a Calling. He was all for it and had me explain it to the whole group. God Has given me the gift of Film making and video Editing, and up until this moment of revelation, I hadn’t quite used it for the Glory of God, Yeah sure I had made a video for the church before, but it was more of a memento than a out-reaching Video for the Lord. So I created a Partial Plan with my Youth Pastor afterwards and Went home and started work On my Plan on how to do this right away. I feel that I have been called to do some work for the Lord, by Using an Unconventional mean to extend Christianity to Others. I can’t Go into detail about the project as it needs to be kept under-wraps until I get some stuff ready and done. But I can say that the project does aim at a crowd that generally has warped views of what Christianity Really is.

It Has been One week since I took a hold of this idea and turned it into a reality, And I have made a lot of progress, But there is still plenty of work ahead of me. But it feels good to know that God will be with me every step of the way.